Having a pity party over here

125 days since my surgery (4 months)

It is four months and three days since my surgery. I’m doing great. But today I am going through all of my pretty blouses and work clothes that I love. Because most of them are V-neck my scar is now the first thing you see if I wear any of these. 

I know this scar will get better, and in a year or two from now I might even be able to wear a v-neckline without worrying about it. But today I just feel sad. 

Maybe only the women will understand, but I love so many of my things. I felt so confident and pretty in so many of my outfits. I know people say “don’t worry about it, who cares if your scars shows.” But I’m an executive and a professional, and I don’t want the scar to be the first thing someone sees when they look at me. 

Anyway. I guess I’m having a little bit of a pity party over here. And I should probably be grateful that I can afford to buy new clothes. But today, I’m just sad.

4 months after surgery

122 days since my surgery (4 months)

Four months ago today I went into the hospital and had open heart surgery. It seems like a distant memory and also feels like it never even happened. Unless I look at my incision scar.

My scar is actually getting much better - I have been using sicilone strips to help it heal flatter and smoother.

My niece is a cardiac surgical nurse at a children's hospital, and also has had some hip surgery in her past. She recommended these, and she showed me her scars --which you can barely see - that she used these on.  So I am hopeful they will help my scar get flatter.  Really the only part not flat is the top where the suture knot was.  Sometimes it is a little raised and then if I wear the silicone strips it goes down flatter. 

I am still waiting for my spot in the cardiac rehab program.  My friends on the AHA support group highly recommend I do it, so I want to. But it's been FOUR MONTHS! I can't believe how backed up they are!

Cardiac Rehab intake - finally!

99 days since my surgery (3 months)

Today I finally had my intake appointment at the Cardiac Rehab Center. They had me do a 6 minute walk test, and they said I did great.  The minimum requirement is 500 yards and I blew that away. They basically had me walk back and forth between two cones for 6 minutes

She also had me do sit-to-stand tests where they ask you to sit and then stand up a number of times and checked my balance. They had me turn around after standing a few other things. They also checked all of my vitals.

While I was there I saw a group of people sitting in a group doing basic exercises like knee raises, etc in chairs. People were also on treadmills and recumbent bikes. 

I asked if this was what the cardiac rehab program would be like, and they told me this was a pulmonary rehab group but that it would be similar. 

I have to admit it was underwhelming.  Most of these people seemed to have low fitness levels and were mid 60s to late 70s and I don't know if that is the level of rehab I need. I am already quite active, and I am thinking I need more strength training etc. When I asked this of the intake nurse, she told me to try it for a few sessions and then if I want, I can do it on my own.

I'm now on the next waiting list.

The bad news is that the intake is just the next road bump to actually get TO cardiac rehab. I am now on the waiting list to get an actual spot. And that will take a couple more weeks. So now I wait some more.

A word about attitude and positivity.

95 days since my surgery (3 months)

They do warn you before surgery that depression is a very common result of having open heart surgery. I mean - this is a very serious and scary thing. I was scared, anxious, nervous. 

One thing that I think helped me is that I am a pretty positive and optimistic person, and I believe that God has His hand on my life and all will be well.

I did have nurses and others comment on my positive attitude, and contrast it with other patients in my same situation.  But I also had an elective CABG - so I did not come in through the emergency room after a cardiac event, and I was relatively healthy heading into surgery. That is certainly going to make a difference. 

I also had a Dad who - despite many of his own hardships and significant health issues - always stayed positive, maintained a great sense of humor, and would point out that someone else always has it worse. We need to stay strong, positive and thankful.  I channeled a LOT of my Dad's positivity during all of this. I could feel his and my Mom's spirit with me, for sure. 

But I am also someone who is a bit "lit from within" and I believe in letting my light shine in the world. So I do try to stay optimistic and see the good side of things. I have seen people who are more 'negatively-wired' have a hard time with even small disruptions in their life, so if you are indeed that way, this will probably be a harder journey for you.  I do believe attitude, resilience and grit play a key role. But the good news is that we can all work on those things and get better at them.

I will also say that I did have a couple of episodes of sadness -- like a ton of bricks, it suddenly hit me one night that I had just had open heart surgery. I started to cry and was scared and anxious. I started praying to my parents and to God and it was really a bit of a 'stream of consciousness' of all the things I was feeling and afraid of while I cried. It felt good to let it all out, to be honest. But it surprised me because I thought I was doing pretty good mentally and emotionally and wasn't sure what that came from.

I am also a person of faith.  When I pray I do believe my prayers are heard. I also believe my parents, friends and loved ones who have died are all still connected to me and that they are praying for me and supporting me as well. As a Catholic, we call this the 'community of saints.' We are all connected, and remain connected. My ability to talk with God, and my family, and the saints, and just know in my soul that I was not alone was a great comfort to me. 

I spent a lot of time praying for everybody else.

I don't know how atheism works, or how someone would cope if they felt they were all alone. But I spent most of my time in the hospital praying for other people who were also in the hospital. I prayed for the surgeons and the nurses, the hospital staff, the patients and their families. 

I prayed for anyone who was in the emergency room that night, and anyone who had surgery. I prayed for the people who had surgery right after me, and everyone who had been in my room before me. I also prayed for the people who would be in my room next, and the people who didn't know they would be in my same position soon. I prayed for the people who were going to die that day, and their families. I prayed for the chaplains who would counsel them.

I prayed for my husband and my brothers and my family and asked God to keep them strong through all of this. And I prayed for all the people who felt alone, and sad, and frightened and asked God to wrap them in his love and mercy. And I prayed for the atheists - anyone who didn't know God and didn't know just how loved they were by Him. From saying rosaries to just random conversations with God, I felt better when I was praying for everyone else and asking Him to care for them. 

So if you're facing sadness or depression, maybe start praying for everyone else in the world who has it worse than you and ask God to help them through. Seems like it helps.

Followup with the Cardiologist

78 days since my surgery (2.5 months)

Today I met with my cardiologist and he said everything is looking great! He wants me to get another echocardiogram to check on my ejection fraction to make sure it is still improving. 

He said sometimes it is higher right after surgery because it's been given 'rocket fuel' to improve. I am actually getting one next week during my intake appointments for my new HT diagnosis so he will look at those results when they come in.

I told him about the delay in the cardiac rehab program, and he said to just keep exercising on my own, eating right, sleeping and reducing stress. All the things I need to do to stay health.  

I will come back in 3 months to see him again! 

Day 64

64 days since my surgery (2 months)

The scabs where the drains were are still really hard and crusty. The one on the right side actually started looking wet and stuck to my gauze and came off. I called the nurse at the Cardiac office and went in today to see her to make sure it’s OK. 

She said they’ll take a long time to heal, but they’re OK. She also looked at the top of my incision where the suture knot had come out. 

I asked her if that’s gonna heal nice like the rest of the incision and she said it might not. Which is not great because now it’s like a little round hole at the top of my incision. (Sigh) She did say I could start using the silicone strips but not on the top of the incision because it’s still closing. She said it should eventually close and she checked it to make sure it’s not “tunneling.“ It’s not - and she said it’s healing fine.

She gave me some hydrogel to put on the scabs to make sure they stay soft and moist. When I took the Band-Aids off at the end of the day, it was really gross. It also smelled really funky, so I don’t know how much I want to use that hydrogel.

Now that the right scab is falling off, the left one which is larger and grosser looking is still there protecting what’s underneath, but you can tell it’s coming off. I’m not looking forward to that, but I’m hopeful that that means it’s healing better.

I have a lump at the bottom of my incision and one in the middle, she told me that it is scar tissue. I had googled it and was worried it was a seroma. She said no it’s just scar tissue and it may or may not go away.  It feels like a hard bony lump when I press down there. 

The lump at the top of the scar is going down, but I could still feel something when I rub my hand from left to right it’s like there’s a hill in the middle of my chest. She said it’ll go away, but may never go away all the way. It’s certainly better than it was when I left the hospital. But that lump was more tissue, and this feels like bone.

A lot of this is stuff they just don’t tell you, and the only reason I went to see her is because I kept asking her about it. I’m really surprised they don’t do wound checks. I saw the Cardiac surgeons two weeks after surgery and haven’t really seen them since.

24/7 Wearing A Bra

 

At some point you will learn that you need to wear a bra 24/7 for the first several weeks after surgery. If you have larger breasts, like me, this is critical, because the weight of your breasts can pull on your incision and cause problems. 

The cardiac nurse told me ahead of time that any non-underwire front-closure bra would do, but this is not true. Thankfully, I had time to research this ahead of my surgery and I found this Judy longline bra from a company called Masthead Pink. They create post-surgical bras for both breast and cardiac surgery patients.

Something they don't tell you ahead of time — you will have surgical drain wounds.

Right below the incision which runs down the middle of my chest, I have two 1/2" scabs about 1/2" apart from each other where the surgical drains were removed. (Removing those drains tubes was not painful, but really weird-feeling, but that is a story for another time.)

When I try to wear a regular front-closure, non underwire bra, the bottom of the bra hits right there where those two scabs are. As I am writing this, I am 8 weeks post surgery, and I still have two pretty large scabs. Even when I unhook the bottom of the bra, it often rubs against them and was causing a little pain, and also resulted in one of the scabs 'leaking' a little bit.  I only wear the regular bra to work during the day, because it offers a little more support and lift than this surgical bra, but it's nowhere near as comfortable.

Because this bra is a longline, it doesn't rub there, and helps me feel protected and secure. It's really comfortable and easy to wear when you sleep. 

I ordered two of these so one can be in the wash when I am wearing the other one. 

I ordered one in my measured size and one a size smaller.  The smaller one feels better now, but the larger one felt better early on.  When you wash them, be sure to close the velcro. I do that, but the velcro is still starting to fail a little. But then again, I have been wearing them for 8 weeks straight and am almost done with them.   

A word about the universe.

The world sends you messages.

I am a religious person - a Christian and a Catholic - although I am also pretty much a fan of all forms of faith and spirituality. I believe we are all connected and that we are here on earth to help each other.

So whether you think of it as our loved ones on the other side sending us messages, or God Himself sending us messages, or just the world at large — I do believe we are sent signs and messages.

The night before surgery I was on social media trying to distract myself from my impending surgery and playing around with one of those goofy apps that a friend had posted. This one was supposed to tell you your bible verse for 2024. This is what it gave me.

I can argue that this verse is applicable in probably 75% of everything we do in life. But I also know that this is what I got a few hours before I had to go into the first surgery of my life -- and it was an open heart surgery that is pretty serious, and a surgery I was pretty darn afraid of.  And this made me feel better and made me feel like someone was letting me know it would be ok.

Then my husband was at Panda Express and got two fortune cookies and opened one of them for me. I always let him eat the actual cookie. This was the fortune for me.

I mean -- 

I have had so much proof in my life that the universe, or God, or my parents, or someone up there or out there is sending me messages of encouragement, that I know it is true.

Regardless -- these things bring me hope. And if there is one thing we can always use more of in life it is hope.

 

Surgical Incision

 **WARNING** I am sharing photos of my incision and scar for people who want to know that to expect. These are not great photos, and they are personally awkward to share. But I want to help people.

So please do not proceed unless you want to see surgery scars that are not fun to look at. 

But they also aren't really that bad. 

Scroll down to see.

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Stop now if you do not want to see a big incision scar.

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So what you see at the very top is a lump that you have after surgery that will go down over time. It does, and they tell you this. But it is weird when you see it. 

The top of the incision is where they tie-off the stitches with a "suture knot." More on this in a later post. They actually sew you up from the bottom to the top. 

Woman have to wear a bra 24/7 for a month or so because the weight of the breasts will pull on the incision. The incision itself is about 6" long for women. Below the incision you see 2 scabs - these are from where the drain tubes were removed. These scab up and are there for quite awhile. 

There are so many tubes and lines and monitor patches they put on you, that your skin takes quite a beating. The adhesive is also almost impossible to remove. What looks like gray glue on my skin is all of the adhesive.

Honestly, this was not as bad as I had thought it would be. I was far more aggravated by the dang surgical glue. After 4 showers it was still there. I finally got some adhesive removal wipes from the nurse at my follow up visit.  Ask for those before you leave the hospital - you will need them.

Men with body hair might have an even harder time with the adhesives. I am not sure.

Below is a picture after almost four months.

The incision is all healed but is still a bit red and raised. Based on what the nurse told me before surgery, it will take about a year or so for the scar to heal into a less visible state. 

This photo doesn't show the drain scars but they are all healed up as well. They were big scabs for a very long time.  But once they fell off it was all soft new skin underneath.

The top of this scar is where the suture knot was, and it is more raised than the rest of the scar. This is where the silicone scar tape should help me. But again, this will take time.

I will take more photos in the coming months so I can share how the scar progresses.

Good days and bad days.

42 days since my surgery (1.5 months)

I still have to sleep flat on my back, and still have to wear a bra 24/7 to protect my incision. I worry that it is not healing right and I can't believe there aren't more appointments for them to check on this. 

Today it suddenly hit me that I had open heart surgery and I was a bit panicked for a moment and started to cry.  I let myself have a little pity party for myself, and then tried to refocus myself on how far I have come and how well I am doing. 

I also hopped in to one of the AHA support groups and spent time making other people feel better by answering questions and helping give people answers.

When we feel bad or down or low -- the best thing to do is help someone else.

Works every time. 

Day 37 - Big Department Meeting & Company Party

I DID IT!

I hosted my big 3 hour department meeting and it was awesome! We had our annual company meeting and holiday party and it was awesome too!

I kept my energy up and was able to show up as the professional executive I am! My new company is amazing and I am so glad I am here and able to do this and show my leadership despite all of this surgery stuff!

I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO EVEN MORE!

Day 36 - Back in the office!

I have been back to work since January 2nd, but today was the first day I went into the office! 

I can't drive yet so Jim drove me, and it felt weird going into work without my hugging bear. I kept a big towel with me just in case I needed to cough!

But I can't have my teams seeing me at the office with a teddy bear. LOL!

I didn't really tell anyone about my surgery outside of my boss - a few others know I took the week before Christmas off for a 'medical procedure.' But I don't want everyone at my new job knowing about this. At least not yet. I don't want people to worry about me.

But it felt good to be in the office in person! My energy was good, and I was able to set up for my big department meeting tomorrow!

I am so proud of myself and how far I have come.

I said I would be back to work in 2 weeks - and I was.

I said I would be back in the office by today - and I was.

I said I would host my big meeting tomorrow - and I will.

I am going to keep getting stronger and I will emerge from all of this better than before!